For Tod

If I was in charge of writing the Horoscope section of the newspaper, though, maybe I'd try a few different things than you normally see.


Virgo

Today isn't the best day to go bow and arrow hunting with your father in the Australian Outback. But, you should go some time soon because he has cancer. That's right. He has throat cancer. Your father, Dave Lewis from Providence, Rhode Island, has throat cancer and he will die on the 25th of December this year. Merry Christmas.


Libra

How about you treat yourself to a special day and go fuck yourself? All day long, you Libra piece of shit.


Leo

Long time no see, jackass. Reading your Horoscope today hoping things will finally look up? Well, they won't. Not like you deserve it anyway. Think I don't know about the incident with the neighbor's son? I know everything. I'm the Horoscope, bitch!


Sagittarius

Two words: The clap.


Taurus

You know that co-worker you have a crush on? Go for it!


Cancer

A very homely co-worker will ask you out today. My bad.


Gemini

I loved you in American Gladiators! Even if your name was truly Michael M. Horton, nobody could touch you in Powerball or Assault. Well, until Wesley "Two Scoops" Berry came on the scene and made all the gladiators his bitches. But, you'll always have the pre-Two Scoops era.


Aries

A spaceman from the future will visit you today, but he won't tell you outright that he is from the future because he is on a very covert mission. He will simply say, "Excuse me." That is your cue to answer back with the phrase that will let him know that you know who he is: "I poured ten ounces of maple syrup into my anus. Would you like some pancakes?"


Pisces, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Scorpio

Blow me.