Thus left alone, I knew not what to do, except masturbate. Looking out before me, I saw two roads which led through a dark valley of bright colors. One of these was a broad road and seemed to be well traveled but towards the horizon I could just make out an AM/PM sign. The other was a narrow path and led off in another direction to a happy singsongy wonderland of goodness. I instinctively followed the well-beaten road plus, one can never have too much good stuff. I had not gone far when it seemed to grow darker and totally spooky. Ever and anon, however a light would flash up from the distance (the AM/PM neon sign of course), and in this manner I was lighted on my journey, also i had taken a poo, so that kept me lighted as well.
Presently I was met by a being that is utterly impossible for me to describe much like Sam. I can only give you a faint idea of his dreadful appearance. He resembled a man somewhat, kind of like Courtney Love, but was much larger than any human being I ever saw. He must have been at least ten feet high. He had great wings on his back like some magical Yeti. He was black as the coal I had been digging, and in a perfectly nude condition except for his braces and headgear. He had a spear in his hand, the handle of which must have been fully fifteen feet in length making it impossible to lift and an utterly useless weapon. His eyes shone like balls of fire and pretty twinkly stars. His teeth, white as pearl, seemed fully an inch long, reminiscent of Jack's shriveled pee pee. His nose, if you could call it a nose, was very large, broad and flat. His hair was very coarse, heavy and long, reminiscent of my majestic manhood. It hung down upon his massive shoulders. His voice sounded more like the growls of a child's hungry tummy in a menagerie than anything I can recall.
It was during one of the flashes of light from the AM/PM sign that I first saw him. I trembled like an aspen leaf at the sight. I also tinkled in my pants a little bit. He had his spear raised as if to send it flying through me but i knew by the look on his face he was totally bluffing. I suddenly stopped. With that terrible voice that sounded like Charlotte Church porking a rickshaw, he bade me follow him; that he had been sent to guide me on my journey. I followed cause that's what I am, a follower. What else could I do?
After he had gone some distance a large mountain of spaghetti covered with cheese appeared to rise up before us. Could this be real or was I just super hungry? The part facing us seemed perpendicular, just as if a meatball had been cut in two and one part had been taken away. On this perpendicular wall of meatball, I could distinctly see these words, 'This is Hell.' covered in the most amazing Alfredo sauce!
To be continued....stay tuned for the exciting confrontation between Benji and Maria Morehart (or more commonly known as the devil, but it still totally depends on the circles you run in).
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