Thursday, December 22, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Murcury in retrograde
So, I guess Murcury is in retrograde, and thats the reason everything shitty is happening right now. At least thats the explanation I got from Wendy's neighbor, Rya. Maybe Toddy, our newest astrologer can back me up?
I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing lots of shitty things. Not that my shitty things are NEARLY as bad as some of the other shitty things that maybe happening to YOU... But the fortunate thing, from what I understand, is that it should all be getting better around the 23rd when the shittiest of the shitty things are supposed to happen, and then not be quite as shitty anymore after that. But if the REALLY shitty stuff is supposed to happen on the 23rd- we're all gonna be swimming in a big pile of shit- cause I dunno know about you, but the shit is getting pretty deep over here!
I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing lots of shitty things. Not that my shitty things are NEARLY as bad as some of the other shitty things that maybe happening to YOU... But the fortunate thing, from what I understand, is that it should all be getting better around the 23rd when the shittiest of the shitty things are supposed to happen, and then not be quite as shitty anymore after that. But if the REALLY shitty stuff is supposed to happen on the 23rd- we're all gonna be swimming in a big pile of shit- cause I dunno know about you, but the shit is getting pretty deep over here!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Speaking of Hani!
He TOTALLY just pulled a "Derol" but more by mistake than meliciously. I just sent him an email that he should fly down for JP Night, and he responded to everyone from an original email that included Wendy, Wendy's Sister, Wendy's Dad... basically a lot of Wendy's friends, etc...
Without further adue, the reply:
"Dude, you know what Airfare costs? Like a gazillion dollars and shit! You know what its like bording a plane with a name like Hani Faisal Saigh? My asshole still hasn't recovered from my last flight two years ago!!! Plus, whats keeping us from starting Jeopardy party night in P-Town?? You visit Jim but not Hani?? Thats fuck man, thats just plain fuck. I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend for that one."
Without further adue, the reply:
"Dude, you know what Airfare costs? Like a gazillion dollars and shit! You know what its like bording a plane with a name like Hani Faisal Saigh? My asshole still hasn't recovered from my last flight two years ago!!! Plus, whats keeping us from starting Jeopardy party night in P-Town?? You visit Jim but not Hani?? Thats fuck man, thats just plain fuck. I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend for that one."
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Derol's ex...
derol. here's a picture of joy (you remember joy right?) and her mom...oh, wait...that's SALLY YO!!! Ah, SNAP!
Monday, November 14, 2005
fun with audio
this is me teasing riley. she gets all mad at me and starts crying cause i took away her "green hat" (that's her pacifier). at the end i totally give it back to her and she's happy once again. i'm the greatest dad ever!
funner with audio
you'll have to listen to the very end of this one. riley wasn't doing much when i started to tape her, but boy she sure makes up for it at the very end.
wait for it....wait for it...
Friday, November 11, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Covering Teen Wolf: One Coach's Guide
Used to be, the key to beating Teen Wolf's Beavers was just to play them on any night there wasn't a full moon. We were unlucky one season in that we met them 28 days apart, both times in their barn, and Teen Wolf destroyed us—64 points in the first game, then a quadruple-double in the second, with 14 blocked shots and 25 steals. Our third matchup, though, we were fortunate enough to have a 76 percent waxing gibbous, so it was regular Scott Howard, who turned the ball over twice before fouling out, scoreless, in eight minutes of play. These days, however, it seems the guy can change over whenever he wants, which poses a real problem to opposing coaches. What follows is the best strategy my staff and I have come up with to limit Teen Wolf's effectiveness on the court. While admittedly far from foolproof, it will, hopefully, prove useful to your team. We're all in this together, folks.
To begin, you're going to have to resign yourself to the fact that Teen Wolf is probably going to drop at least 50 points. That might seem like a lot, but, unfortunately, it's just the way the ball bounces. As coach, you need to recognize that your job isn't to do the impossible; you're not going to stop Teen Wolf entirely, but you can try to contain him by making him play your team's style of basketball. Discipline and defensive fundamentals help: nose on the ball, feet moving, channeling him into traps—careful with those, though. Soon as Teen Wolf gets two guys on him, he tends to find the open man. He's a heads-up ballplayer with great court sense, so if you're going to bring a trapping zone against Teen Wolf, make sure you have solid weak-side rotation and your defenders are communicating.
Of course, that's only if he feels like passing. Teen Wolf gets scrappy once you put the pressure on, and he's a great ball handler with a low-to-the-ground style reminiscent of Pistol Pete or a young Isiah Thomas. Add to his skill and quickness those gigantic, hirsute paws, and you're up against one hell of a dribbler. We've tried giving Teen Wolf a step, respecting his speed, but we've found that if our guys slack off him, he'll generally hit the open jumper—or else take off from wherever he's standing on the court, sail over everyone's heads, and finish with one of those dunks where he ends up sitting on the top of the backboard, howling, feet dangling down through the hoop.
While you're welcome to try it, my feeling is that man-to-man defense simply isn't an option. Some teams like to play a box-and-one, which generally works well against most lycanthropes. With Teen Wolf, though, you have to be careful. He'll just stand baying by the sideline while the rest of the Beavers run four-on-four. Then, at a signal from Coach Finstock, Teen Wolf will come screaming down the lane, fur bristling and fangs bared, for the alley-oop. (And with him having what's rumored to be a 78-inch standing vertical leap, rest assured he's even more difficult to stop once he gets up in the air.) I've heard of coaches dealing with this by putting a sniper in the crowd with a box of silver bullets and a hunting rifle. We tried it once, back when Teen Wolf was only a freshman: the shooter missed, and when the cops showed up and cleared the gym we were forced to default.
So, I bet you're wondering, if it's impossible to cover him through conventional defenses, what can we do? Here's the key: Teen Wolf doesn't get along with his teammates. While he's certainly got the individual skills to dominate most games, I'd have to struggle to think of ever seeing a more selfish player in my 28 years of coaching. He tends to alienate his fellow Beavers by doing things like stealing the ball off them, or stealing their girlfriends, and their resentment is easy for opposing teams to exploit. Sympathy seems to work well; get your players to say stuff like, "Man, sure sucks playing with Teen Wolf," or "I'd hate to have a guy like Teen Wolf on my team," and you'll be surprised how quickly the Beavers' team defense will start to open up.
Another trick is to keep on the officials about aggressive play. Granted, most refs are pretty scared to call anything on Teen Wolf, what with the risk of being devoured in the parking lot after the game. Still, it's hard to ignore someone being gouged by lupine talons, especially if the player's entrails are exposed. Coach Finstock hates sitting Teen Wolf, but if his star picks up three fouls early, there won't be any other option. Just make sure to tell your guys to resist taunting Teen Wolf while he's on the bench; it only makes him angrier, and with that anger comes frightening strength.
Finally, keep in mind that beneath all that fur, Teen Wolf is only human—or half-human, whatever—with weaknesses, just like any of us. And as a hormonally imbalanced, eternally cursed teenager, he's particularly fragile. For one thing, at just under 70 percent, Teen Wolf's free-throw shooting is comparatively weak; if you've got a kid on your team brave or crazy enough to knock Teen Wolf down with a hard foul, encourage it. Make him earn his points at the line. "Hack-a-Wolf" brought us within 10 of the Beavers during last year's playoffs—that is, until Teen Wolf dunked eight consecutive trips down the floor from the 3-point line, putting the lead out of reach.
OK, that's pretty much all I've got. As I mentioned earlier, defending Teen Wolf isn't an exact science, and you're more than welcome to alter these tactics as befits your own ball club. I hope that between us we can keep the lines of communication open and continue to share strategies that seem to work. My feeling is that there's no team that is completely unbeatable, even if their star transforms into a werewolf before every game. Oh, and if you come up with some way of preventing Teen Wolf from jumping up and catching your team's shots, I'd be particularly interested in hearing it.
Thanks, and best of luck.
To begin, you're going to have to resign yourself to the fact that Teen Wolf is probably going to drop at least 50 points. That might seem like a lot, but, unfortunately, it's just the way the ball bounces. As coach, you need to recognize that your job isn't to do the impossible; you're not going to stop Teen Wolf entirely, but you can try to contain him by making him play your team's style of basketball. Discipline and defensive fundamentals help: nose on the ball, feet moving, channeling him into traps—careful with those, though. Soon as Teen Wolf gets two guys on him, he tends to find the open man. He's a heads-up ballplayer with great court sense, so if you're going to bring a trapping zone against Teen Wolf, make sure you have solid weak-side rotation and your defenders are communicating.
Of course, that's only if he feels like passing. Teen Wolf gets scrappy once you put the pressure on, and he's a great ball handler with a low-to-the-ground style reminiscent of Pistol Pete or a young Isiah Thomas. Add to his skill and quickness those gigantic, hirsute paws, and you're up against one hell of a dribbler. We've tried giving Teen Wolf a step, respecting his speed, but we've found that if our guys slack off him, he'll generally hit the open jumper—or else take off from wherever he's standing on the court, sail over everyone's heads, and finish with one of those dunks where he ends up sitting on the top of the backboard, howling, feet dangling down through the hoop.
While you're welcome to try it, my feeling is that man-to-man defense simply isn't an option. Some teams like to play a box-and-one, which generally works well against most lycanthropes. With Teen Wolf, though, you have to be careful. He'll just stand baying by the sideline while the rest of the Beavers run four-on-four. Then, at a signal from Coach Finstock, Teen Wolf will come screaming down the lane, fur bristling and fangs bared, for the alley-oop. (And with him having what's rumored to be a 78-inch standing vertical leap, rest assured he's even more difficult to stop once he gets up in the air.) I've heard of coaches dealing with this by putting a sniper in the crowd with a box of silver bullets and a hunting rifle. We tried it once, back when Teen Wolf was only a freshman: the shooter missed, and when the cops showed up and cleared the gym we were forced to default.
So, I bet you're wondering, if it's impossible to cover him through conventional defenses, what can we do? Here's the key: Teen Wolf doesn't get along with his teammates. While he's certainly got the individual skills to dominate most games, I'd have to struggle to think of ever seeing a more selfish player in my 28 years of coaching. He tends to alienate his fellow Beavers by doing things like stealing the ball off them, or stealing their girlfriends, and their resentment is easy for opposing teams to exploit. Sympathy seems to work well; get your players to say stuff like, "Man, sure sucks playing with Teen Wolf," or "I'd hate to have a guy like Teen Wolf on my team," and you'll be surprised how quickly the Beavers' team defense will start to open up.
Another trick is to keep on the officials about aggressive play. Granted, most refs are pretty scared to call anything on Teen Wolf, what with the risk of being devoured in the parking lot after the game. Still, it's hard to ignore someone being gouged by lupine talons, especially if the player's entrails are exposed. Coach Finstock hates sitting Teen Wolf, but if his star picks up three fouls early, there won't be any other option. Just make sure to tell your guys to resist taunting Teen Wolf while he's on the bench; it only makes him angrier, and with that anger comes frightening strength.
Finally, keep in mind that beneath all that fur, Teen Wolf is only human—or half-human, whatever—with weaknesses, just like any of us. And as a hormonally imbalanced, eternally cursed teenager, he's particularly fragile. For one thing, at just under 70 percent, Teen Wolf's free-throw shooting is comparatively weak; if you've got a kid on your team brave or crazy enough to knock Teen Wolf down with a hard foul, encourage it. Make him earn his points at the line. "Hack-a-Wolf" brought us within 10 of the Beavers during last year's playoffs—that is, until Teen Wolf dunked eight consecutive trips down the floor from the 3-point line, putting the lead out of reach.
OK, that's pretty much all I've got. As I mentioned earlier, defending Teen Wolf isn't an exact science, and you're more than welcome to alter these tactics as befits your own ball club. I hope that between us we can keep the lines of communication open and continue to share strategies that seem to work. My feeling is that there's no team that is completely unbeatable, even if their star transforms into a werewolf before every game. Oh, and if you come up with some way of preventing Teen Wolf from jumping up and catching your team's shots, I'd be particularly interested in hearing it.
Thanks, and best of luck.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Think I'm gonna be in The Horse
Some guy from The Horse mag just got a hold of me, and wants to do a feature on the kawasaki I built. Kinda sweet. I'm happy.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
kitten candy
she's a kitten, mothra, yeti and candy all rolled into one.
you can view the pictures(two anyways)here. or call!
you can view the pictures(two anyways)here. or call!
Friday, October 28, 2005
what the fuck!?
Kay- It's been like 2 days!? Benji has got to have a kid by now? What the fuck is going on? I mean, jesus- how long does it take to give birth to a Mothra?
Also, now that I think about it- Hey, Sam! Hasn't Madera had her 1st birthday by now? And why didn't you invite some mother fuckers for the birthday? ass wipe.
Also, now that I think about it- Hey, Sam! Hasn't Madera had her 1st birthday by now? And why didn't you invite some mother fuckers for the birthday? ass wipe.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
48 Hours In Hell! (Act 2)
Thus left alone, I knew not what to do, except masturbate. Looking out before me, I saw two roads which led through a dark valley of bright colors. One of these was a broad road and seemed to be well traveled but towards the horizon I could just make out an AM/PM sign. The other was a narrow path and led off in another direction to a happy singsongy wonderland of goodness. I instinctively followed the well-beaten road plus, one can never have too much good stuff. I had not gone far when it seemed to grow darker and totally spooky. Ever and anon, however a light would flash up from the distance (the AM/PM neon sign of course), and in this manner I was lighted on my journey, also i had taken a poo, so that kept me lighted as well.
Presently I was met by a being that is utterly impossible for me to describe much like Sam. I can only give you a faint idea of his dreadful appearance. He resembled a man somewhat, kind of like Courtney Love, but was much larger than any human being I ever saw. He must have been at least ten feet high. He had great wings on his back like some magical Yeti. He was black as the coal I had been digging, and in a perfectly nude condition except for his braces and headgear. He had a spear in his hand, the handle of which must have been fully fifteen feet in length making it impossible to lift and an utterly useless weapon. His eyes shone like balls of fire and pretty twinkly stars. His teeth, white as pearl, seemed fully an inch long, reminiscent of Jack's shriveled pee pee. His nose, if you could call it a nose, was very large, broad and flat. His hair was very coarse, heavy and long, reminiscent of my majestic manhood. It hung down upon his massive shoulders. His voice sounded more like the growls of a child's hungry tummy in a menagerie than anything I can recall.
It was during one of the flashes of light from the AM/PM sign that I first saw him. I trembled like an aspen leaf at the sight. I also tinkled in my pants a little bit. He had his spear raised as if to send it flying through me but i knew by the look on his face he was totally bluffing. I suddenly stopped. With that terrible voice that sounded like Charlotte Church porking a rickshaw, he bade me follow him; that he had been sent to guide me on my journey. I followed cause that's what I am, a follower. What else could I do?
After he had gone some distance a large mountain of spaghetti covered with cheese appeared to rise up before us. Could this be real or was I just super hungry? The part facing us seemed perpendicular, just as if a meatball had been cut in two and one part had been taken away. On this perpendicular wall of meatball, I could distinctly see these words, 'This is Hell.' covered in the most amazing Alfredo sauce!
To be continued....stay tuned for the exciting confrontation between Benji and Maria Morehart (or more commonly known as the devil, but it still totally depends on the circles you run in).
Presently I was met by a being that is utterly impossible for me to describe much like Sam. I can only give you a faint idea of his dreadful appearance. He resembled a man somewhat, kind of like Courtney Love, but was much larger than any human being I ever saw. He must have been at least ten feet high. He had great wings on his back like some magical Yeti. He was black as the coal I had been digging, and in a perfectly nude condition except for his braces and headgear. He had a spear in his hand, the handle of which must have been fully fifteen feet in length making it impossible to lift and an utterly useless weapon. His eyes shone like balls of fire and pretty twinkly stars. His teeth, white as pearl, seemed fully an inch long, reminiscent of Jack's shriveled pee pee. His nose, if you could call it a nose, was very large, broad and flat. His hair was very coarse, heavy and long, reminiscent of my majestic manhood. It hung down upon his massive shoulders. His voice sounded more like the growls of a child's hungry tummy in a menagerie than anything I can recall.
It was during one of the flashes of light from the AM/PM sign that I first saw him. I trembled like an aspen leaf at the sight. I also tinkled in my pants a little bit. He had his spear raised as if to send it flying through me but i knew by the look on his face he was totally bluffing. I suddenly stopped. With that terrible voice that sounded like Charlotte Church porking a rickshaw, he bade me follow him; that he had been sent to guide me on my journey. I followed cause that's what I am, a follower. What else could I do?
After he had gone some distance a large mountain of spaghetti covered with cheese appeared to rise up before us. Could this be real or was I just super hungry? The part facing us seemed perpendicular, just as if a meatball had been cut in two and one part had been taken away. On this perpendicular wall of meatball, I could distinctly see these words, 'This is Hell.' covered in the most amazing Alfredo sauce!
To be continued....stay tuned for the exciting confrontation between Benji and Maria Morehart (or more commonly known as the devil, but it still totally depends on the circles you run in).
movie quote madness
ok, so i though we could start a random movie quote postings. i'll go first.
you can't use google or anything to try and figure it out. you just have to ask
for hints and such. try to make them as obscure or as funny as possible.
here's mine:
"los locos kick your ass; los locos kick your face; los locos kick your balls into outerspace."
you can't use google or anything to try and figure it out. you just have to ask
for hints and such. try to make them as obscure or as funny as possible.
here's mine:
"los locos kick your ass; los locos kick your face; los locos kick your balls into outerspace."
Friday, October 21, 2005
For Tod
If I was in charge of writing the Horoscope section of the newspaper, though, maybe I'd try a few different things than you normally see.
Virgo
Today isn't the best day to go bow and arrow hunting with your father in the Australian Outback. But, you should go some time soon because he has cancer. That's right. He has throat cancer. Your father, Dave Lewis from Providence, Rhode Island, has throat cancer and he will die on the 25th of December this year. Merry Christmas.
Libra
How about you treat yourself to a special day and go fuck yourself? All day long, you Libra piece of shit.
Leo
Long time no see, jackass. Reading your Horoscope today hoping things will finally look up? Well, they won't. Not like you deserve it anyway. Think I don't know about the incident with the neighbor's son? I know everything. I'm the Horoscope, bitch!
Sagittarius
Two words: The clap.
Taurus
You know that co-worker you have a crush on? Go for it!
Cancer
A very homely co-worker will ask you out today. My bad.
Gemini
I loved you in American Gladiators! Even if your name was truly Michael M. Horton, nobody could touch you in Powerball or Assault. Well, until Wesley "Two Scoops" Berry came on the scene and made all the gladiators his bitches. But, you'll always have the pre-Two Scoops era.
Aries
A spaceman from the future will visit you today, but he won't tell you outright that he is from the future because he is on a very covert mission. He will simply say, "Excuse me." That is your cue to answer back with the phrase that will let him know that you know who he is: "I poured ten ounces of maple syrup into my anus. Would you like some pancakes?"
Pisces, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Scorpio
Blow me.
Virgo
Today isn't the best day to go bow and arrow hunting with your father in the Australian Outback. But, you should go some time soon because he has cancer. That's right. He has throat cancer. Your father, Dave Lewis from Providence, Rhode Island, has throat cancer and he will die on the 25th of December this year. Merry Christmas.
Libra
How about you treat yourself to a special day and go fuck yourself? All day long, you Libra piece of shit.
Leo
Long time no see, jackass. Reading your Horoscope today hoping things will finally look up? Well, they won't. Not like you deserve it anyway. Think I don't know about the incident with the neighbor's son? I know everything. I'm the Horoscope, bitch!
Sagittarius
Two words: The clap.
Taurus
You know that co-worker you have a crush on? Go for it!
Cancer
A very homely co-worker will ask you out today. My bad.
Gemini
I loved you in American Gladiators! Even if your name was truly Michael M. Horton, nobody could touch you in Powerball or Assault. Well, until Wesley "Two Scoops" Berry came on the scene and made all the gladiators his bitches. But, you'll always have the pre-Two Scoops era.
Aries
A spaceman from the future will visit you today, but he won't tell you outright that he is from the future because he is on a very covert mission. He will simply say, "Excuse me." That is your cue to answer back with the phrase that will let him know that you know who he is: "I poured ten ounces of maple syrup into my anus. Would you like some pancakes?"
Pisces, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Scorpio
Blow me.
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