kitten candy

she's a kitten, mothra, yeti and candy all rolled into one.
you can view the pictures(two anyways)here. or call!

what the fuck!?

Kay- It's been like 2 days!? Benji has got to have a kid by now? What the fuck is going on? I mean, jesus- how long does it take to give birth to a Mothra?

Also, now that I think about it- Hey, Sam! Hasn't Madera had her 1st birthday by now? And why didn't you invite some mother fuckers for the birthday? ass wipe.

Fuck'em in the ear!!!

I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby

48 Hours In Hell! (Act 2)

Thus left alone, I knew not what to do, except masturbate. Looking out before me, I saw two roads which led through a dark valley of bright colors. One of these was a broad road and seemed to be well traveled but towards the horizon I could just make out an AM/PM sign. The other was a narrow path and led off in another direction to a happy singsongy wonderland of goodness. I instinctively followed the well-beaten road plus, one can never have too much good stuff. I had not gone far when it seemed to grow darker and totally spooky. Ever and anon, however a light would flash up from the distance (the AM/PM neon sign of course), and in this manner I was lighted on my journey, also i had taken a poo, so that kept me lighted as well.

Presently I was met by a being that is utterly impossible for me to describe much like Sam. I can only give you a faint idea of his dreadful appearance. He resembled a man somewhat, kind of like Courtney Love, but was much larger than any human being I ever saw. He must have been at least ten feet high. He had great wings on his back like some magical Yeti. He was black as the coal I had been digging, and in a perfectly nude condition except for his braces and headgear. He had a spear in his hand, the handle of which must have been fully fifteen feet in length making it impossible to lift and an utterly useless weapon. His eyes shone like balls of fire and pretty twinkly stars. His teeth, white as pearl, seemed fully an inch long, reminiscent of Jack's shriveled pee pee. His nose, if you could call it a nose, was very large, broad and flat. His hair was very coarse, heavy and long, reminiscent of my majestic manhood. It hung down upon his massive shoulders. His voice sounded more like the growls of a child's hungry tummy in a menagerie than anything I can recall.

It was during one of the flashes of light from the AM/PM sign that I first saw him. I trembled like an aspen leaf at the sight. I also tinkled in my pants a little bit. He had his spear raised as if to send it flying through me but i knew by the look on his face he was totally bluffing. I suddenly stopped. With that terrible voice that sounded like Charlotte Church porking a rickshaw, he bade me follow him; that he had been sent to guide me on my journey. I followed cause that's what I am, a follower. What else could I do?

After he had gone some distance a large mountain of spaghetti covered with cheese appeared to rise up before us. Could this be real or was I just super hungry? The part facing us seemed perpendicular, just as if a meatball had been cut in two and one part had been taken away. On this perpendicular wall of meatball, I could distinctly see these words, 'This is Hell.' covered in the most amazing Alfredo sauce!

To be continued....stay tuned for the exciting confrontation between Benji and Maria Morehart (or more commonly known as the devil, but it still totally depends on the circles you run in).

movie quote madness

ok, so i though we could start a random movie quote postings. i'll go first.
you can't use google or anything to try and figure it out. you just have to ask
for hints and such. try to make them as obscure or as funny as possible.
here's mine:

"los locos kick your ass; los locos kick your face; los locos kick your balls into outerspace."

billygoats...hamburger

hi billygoats!

For Tod

If I was in charge of writing the Horoscope section of the newspaper, though, maybe I'd try a few different things than you normally see.


Virgo

Today isn't the best day to go bow and arrow hunting with your father in the Australian Outback. But, you should go some time soon because he has cancer. That's right. He has throat cancer. Your father, Dave Lewis from Providence, Rhode Island, has throat cancer and he will die on the 25th of December this year. Merry Christmas.


Libra

How about you treat yourself to a special day and go fuck yourself? All day long, you Libra piece of shit.


Leo

Long time no see, jackass. Reading your Horoscope today hoping things will finally look up? Well, they won't. Not like you deserve it anyway. Think I don't know about the incident with the neighbor's son? I know everything. I'm the Horoscope, bitch!


Sagittarius

Two words: The clap.


Taurus

You know that co-worker you have a crush on? Go for it!


Cancer

A very homely co-worker will ask you out today. My bad.


Gemini

I loved you in American Gladiators! Even if your name was truly Michael M. Horton, nobody could touch you in Powerball or Assault. Well, until Wesley "Two Scoops" Berry came on the scene and made all the gladiators his bitches. But, you'll always have the pre-Two Scoops era.


Aries

A spaceman from the future will visit you today, but he won't tell you outright that he is from the future because he is on a very covert mission. He will simply say, "Excuse me." That is your cue to answer back with the phrase that will let him know that you know who he is: "I poured ten ounces of maple syrup into my anus. Would you like some pancakes?"


Pisces, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Scorpio

Blow me.

ESPN

I'm gonna be on ESPN, apparently. ?
Another one of those new "chopper" shows.
When, I have no idea... but some dude said he was a producer, and then I had to suck his dick... But he said he'd put me on.

the gay song

I love my Job

When I get paid to take picts that just don't seem to come close to hurting my eyes AT ALL.

Where the Fuck

is Act 2 of your dumb story, Benji!?
I've been sitting here on pins and needles awaiting the Hell part.

no, I give YOU...

Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks

Where did Johnny go?

who says editing isn't that important, or even the film's musical montage?
i give you Shining: the feeling good movie of the year!

Peek-a-boo

does anybody read this anymore?
derol?
jon?
sam?
jack!?

i just wanted to get a head count.

rascals!

My Horoscope

Alright, you are all so lazy, I'll just do my own.

I am a Scorpio with an Acquarius rising and A Sagittarius moon.
This means I am a hyper-active insensitive asshole. I don't pay attention to people's feelings all that much, less because I really don't care and more because I am hardwired to be ADD. In fact, I understand people pretty well, I am just no good at acting on my understanding.
Basically, if I am not entertained , I don't care.
This means I am pushover for freaks who can pretty much get me to do whatever they want because I am bored.
I am pretty creative but lack even the most basic technical understanding of how to make anything work.
This amounts to a lot of over-thought underproduction.
I have an immense amount of hubris, exaggerated pride and a big, fat head, but this doesn't keep anyone from loving me since I tend to accept everyone else pretty readily.
I usually find just a few people I like a whole lot, everyone else I like just about the same, and can flake on just about the same amount.
I am vain, egotistical dunce and I don't give a shit unless its real pretty.
Then again, I like you. Or at least I understand you enough to know you can't hurt me.

Sam's Horoscope

Sam is a Sagittarius/ Capricorn. Shit man, thats tough.
Sagittarians are naturally impulsive and pretty loopy, but your moon is a Capricorns and they are really super mellow.
First of all, you are a bad lover. You can't get it together in bed. Lots of premature ejaculations.
On the outside everyone thinks you have it all together but inside you're a mess. You are all pent up worrying about your personal freedom, but you are so methodical no one knows what a wack-o you make yourself.
People always come to you for answers and it seems like you should have them, but really, you don't know shit.
When you get your feelings hurt, and you do all the time you sissy, you retreat into your little personal closet and cry.
This makes you really suspicious of people and closed off like some crazy homeless guy who mutters to himself.
Luckily for your crazy over-sensitivity, you are actually pretty good at getting a read on people quickly, so you know right away when to ball up and suck your thumb. Hilariously though, you are pretty free with criticism yourself, you bastard.
You're a weeny homebody and grasp onto your close personal relationships like it was some kind of life raft. You are basically prewired for being pussywhipped. Funny though, you are so selfconscious that you don't want to give much up to your girl in the way of real intimacy. Maybe thats where all the premature ejaculations come from.
Things get better though. Since you are so damned methodical you get shit done and like working hard. I guess thats a good thing.

But basically, you are a frightened, closed off freak, trying to weasel your way into other people's business without getting caught.

What baffoon.

This, of course is the condensed asshole version.
The long non-asshole version reads like this:

--------------------------------
Sun in Sagittarius, Moon in Capricorn

Your Sagittarian impulsiveness and rashness benefit from the propriety and reliability inherent in Capricorn. Ambition is channeled toward higher learning and thought. Your life has form and order, and you go about your affairs in a methodical fashion. There is an aura of respectability about all aspects of your life. Your love life, however, can be somewhat less rewarding. You seem self-contained, and you find difficulty in letting go enough to accept another human being. Ruled by your ambitious and practical nature, you approach others with caution, often suspicion. The key to a more harmonious self lies in achieving a proper balance between your impulsive, optimistic, individuality and your steadfast, plodding personality. Try to retain the buoyancy without giving free reign to flightiness.



Ascendant in Cancer, Moon in the Seventh House

At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Cancer was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler the Moon is located in the seventh house.

Cancer is the fourth sign of the zodiacal belt and its natives are under the rulership of the Moon. Your life will be full of changes and intermittent periods of activity and relaxation. Your vulnerability to external influences makes you subconsciously imitate the manners and ways of those with whom you relate.

In many instances, circumstances will require that you play the role of worldliness and sophistication but under the mask there will exist a very sensitive human being who is easily offended, and also very perceptive of the more subtle influences and impressions, as well as of psychic vibrations.

Cancer gives the tendency to completely retreat when hurt or frightened of a situation. This happens to you often because you tend to interfere in the affairs of others when you are not needed or wanted. Throughout your life, your responses will be emotional rather than rational.

Cancer also gives a tendency for life to be centered in the home and family; your attachment to your private and domestic habits is so strong that without them you could hardly endure. In love matters, you are emotional and gentle.

For the difficult aspects we must warn you against becoming overly preoccupied with trivial details of a psychological nature. Another tendency that you have is to flatter and to criticize carelessly, without regard for the other person's feelings.

Destiny may place you in environments where your natural traits can be best expressed. You will be happier when allowed to be occupied with searching for a person or a thing, though not necessarily in important work.

The fact that your life ruler is in this house is indicative of your orientation towards early commitment to a partner. You may seek independence from parental rule only to fall under the control required by the rules of living in a relationship.

There will be romance in your relationship, but the object of your love will tend to be either a very changeable person or somewhat cold and authoritarian.

Other persons with whom you maintain relationships appear as strongly individualistic, but perhaps narrow-minded and lacking aesthetic concern. Your associates are cautious, subtle, very worried about their interests, and a little dogmatic.

Note: The Moon is technically near the end of house 6 and is therefore interpreted in house 7.



Saturn in the First House

Saturn is in the first house. Saturn's placement here gives you a conservative, sometimes gloomy and self-denying outlook on life. Because every contact is of great importance, you tend to be rather detached and even aloof so that you can be sure exactly where you stand. You can be self-conscious and may feel awkward and prudish with others who appear to take things more lightly. The depth with which you look at yourself is characteristic of the way you relate to others.

You were taught very early in life to be self-reliant, and you were often given more responsibility than usual for your age.

Your intellect is constant and usually unfettered by momentary feelings and whims. Logic plays an important role in your thinking processes. Grandiose schemes and theories have little interest for you.

Once you accept your own limitations and face up to your challenges and responsibilities with a sense of purpose, you will be able to succeed in whatever field you decide on. Your health is generally good, so long as you exercise sufficiently to relieve tension.



Sun in the Sixth House

The Sun was found in your sixth house at the time of birth. This position indicates that in all your activities you will be subjected to the impositions of the environment. The overall orientation of your existence is that of accomplishment through fulfillment of professional responsibilities. In matters of health, this astrological combination is not ideal, as the vital energies of the Sun here have less power, causing you to feel an occasional lack of physical strength. You are, however, inclined to be careful with your health. In your dealings with work associates and subordinates you will show dignified, strong, but open- handed attitudes.

You work with a well-developed sense of pride in everything you do.



Venus in the Sixth House

Venus was found in your sixth house at the time of your birth. You can regard yourself as a lucky individual. Your health throughout life has been either very good or you have had the capability of quickly recovering from illness.

In dealing with others within your work environment, you may also obtain an increase in income. Your attitude to work is that it is a pleasurable thing to do. You are not a hard working individual; on the contrary, there is something of laziness in you. Destiny may put you into positions where you will work under the direction of extremely kind and attractive superiors. A love relationship could start due to this interaction.



Moon in the Seventh House

The Moon was found in the seventh house at the time of your birth.

Exciting romance may occur at an early stage in life. We must warn you, however, that unless modified by further interpretations, the partner may have fluctuating affections.

You're also one of those who throughout the relationship manifests a great variety of personality roles and who seldom shows in intimacy his real nature.

Note: The Moon is technically near the end of house 6 and is therefore interpreted in house 7.



Moon Opposition Ascendant

The Moon opposition the Ascendant shows that you try to become personally involved in the affairs of the people you know. Subconsciously, you need someone to need you at all times. You have a wide circle of friends who think highly of you because of your generous and kindly disposition. Nevertheless, you find it difficult to form individual, lasting relationships, because you are never really sure you can fulfill the responsibilities they entail.

You want to be loved, and you constantly dwell on this fact. You hate being alone, so any professional interest should involve personal contact with the public.

It is important that you learn to stand alone and secure in your independence. You persist in the hope that everything you desire will someday be realized

Horoscopes

Hello
I would like to perform a free horoscope reading for anyone interested.
I will be doing the free reading and then posting it on this site with commentary.
Maybe.

Anyhow, if you would like to participate, please give me the following info:

Date of birth:
Place of birth:
Exact time of birth:
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor:

4 weeks and counting!

so it's four weeks (tenatively scheduled) when we will finally give a name to the proverbial "player to be named later".

wow.

it is slowly dawning on me that things around the herod household will be a little different. no more crack smoking, no more molotov cocktail parties, no more calling in sick to work just to hang out at the arcade all day. nope. those days are over, or will be soon.

but i think i'm ready. plus crack is whack!

Dirtbag Challenge

So I went to SF yesterday to participate in this thing called the dirtbag challenge. I've been building this little kawasaki chop, that I entered, and got the "Founder's Choice" award. I was pretty much ear to ear smiles the whole day- but getting the award made me feel like a kid on christmas... fun times! I'm officially, an award winning bike builder!!! :)

I took pictures- the one's of my bike are towards the end.
Dirtbag Challenge Picts

Lost in translation?

so who else is watching "lost" this season? if so, what did you think of the season premiere? i've been all over the internet today reading message boards (i promise i didn't post to any of them!) where geeks go to die(jack was that you?) and post their guesses at what is really happening on the island. some of them are really stupid, some of them are pretty plausible, but my favorites are the ones that would have taken hours putting in different search options in google to come up with. you would think that there would be a point were you couldn't read into the "signs/numbers/music" any more, but the rabbit hole just keeps going deeper.

i really enjoyed last nights episode and i guess if i had TiVo i would be watching it again tonight for all those hidden "clues" and "meaning". good thing i don't have TiVo...

what did you guys think?